Somewhere in the Midst of It

After school today, I took my daughter Bella to Pinkberry. It is one of our favorite places, and one of our favorite things to do

Sugar load after blood draw!

Sugar load after blood draw!

together.

Today, however, I had an agenda.

I had to explain to my daughter that in one month’s time, she would be having yet ANOTHER surgery. One, which would require her to be in two full leg casts for at least a month.

Over summer vacation.

Instead of swimming lessons,

a camping trip,

day camp,

and a week of vacation.

Even under normal circumstances, no parent wants to be the bearer of this type of news.

And in our case, this news is absolutely laden with anxiety, fear, and trembling.

And rightly so.

Bella has already had numerous surgeries and in

every

single

case

the surgeries were rife with complications – two of the surgeries almost took her life.

Now, I understand the “cup half full” theory.

We DO count our blessings. Bella is here with us. We are very fortunate – especially in lieu of the fact that some very dear friends of ours just lost their five-year-old son to cancer and my heart is with them every single day.

And compared to past surgeries, this one is not quite as intense or scary. (Although for us – this surgery has many added risk factors than it would for most).

So yes – my brain and Bella’s brain can rationally understand all of that.

HOWEVER…

As I sat across the table from my daughter, both of us with tears running down our cheeks, talking about the realities of this surgery, and questions spilling out of Bella’s mouth, such as,

“Will it hurt?”

“Will I walk funny?”

“Could I die?!?”

And if some of you want to tell me that

“God never gives you more than you can handle”

or

“Steadfast and true faith casts out all fear”

Well, I must admit that I just do not have that type of faith. At all. And I believe with all of my heart and soul that God is totally okay with that.

And He can handle it.

Right now, as I write this and my eldest daughter flits and floats from one end of the room to the other (we call it her “dreaming time”),  processing all that she has had to take in today, my heart is in a pile, and the tears just flow and regress, flow and regress, and I continue my ongoing heated, raw, honest conversation with God.

Someone asked me today how I was doing.

My response was “I am not okay. That is not okay. But I do believe God is somewhere in the midst of it.”

Nothing profound about that. No one is going to quote me and turn it into a bumper sticker or a refrigerator magnet.

But this is where I am at right now.

I am a woman of faith with a chronically ill child who is hurting and suffering, and therefore, I am as well.

And God is somewhere in the midst of it.

4 thoughts on “Somewhere in the Midst of It

  1. My heart melts as I pray for Bella and you, Carrie and Martin and Patti anbd Bill. I am near to you all. In His grip. Mary Goerz

  2. A friend pointed me to your post because she saw in it so many of the same themes I write about. Just last week I posted about a daughter losing a summer because of casts and surgery. (I will try to put the link at the end of this comment, just because you might find some common ground reading it.) I write all the time about those terrible cliches (God won’t give you more than you can handle), and how I also do not have that type of faith. I actually think the line about not being okay but God being there anyway would make a great bumper sticker. Best to you and your daughter.

    http://www.patheos.com/blogs/ellenpainterdollar/2013/05/the-summer-when-i-didnt-cherish-time-with-my-kids/

  3. Dear Fellow Pilgrim: I too believe that God knows and can handle our raw vulnerability. May you see the fingerprints of God’s grace in the midst of your grief, joy and pain… DeAnna

  4. Carrie, I hate that saying ‘God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.’ So many things happen that we can’t handle!! But God (I believe) gets us through it and He gives more and more grace as we need. May you swim in the ocean that is His grace!! I’m praying with you as you and your family come to mind.

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